In recent months, life has changed dramatically for me. I made a decision to leave the United Kingdom, Mark and the boys, to move back to the USA. I was very unhappy, feeling unworthy, unloved, hurt, and literally hated myself. Everything I did was never good enough. I was the butt of sarcastic jokes, laughed at, made fun of on an almost daily basis. There was no affection, no touch, hugs, etc. for so long that I honestly believed there was something wrong with me.
I was great at pretending everything was fine. Only a select few knew something was wrong. I was depressed and lonely. I felt trapped.
At one point, I started declaring who I was in Christ every time something negative was said. However, I was told I was acting weird. I stopped my usual encouragement and supportive words and was told something was wrong with me. I literally mentioned how much it hurt to be made fun and this was said practically every day.
I was told the only way out was if someone came to get me. You see, I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, and osteoarthritis in my lower back. I cannot walk far and need a wheelchair for distance. When I do walk, I need crutches for support. Trust me, I have tried walking without crutches or a crutch, and it doesn’t work. Sadly, there were many times when I could not go out. In fact, many of the times I wanted to, someone was too tired or it was raining and the only place to go was the local mall which that said person hated going to.
Several months back, a gentleman, Ben, who was my fiancé in college, found me online. We caught up with each other and shared what was going on in our lives. I told him all that had been happening.
Long story short, we both realized we still loved each other, even after 24 years! Ben flew to England, met me, and a few days later we flew back to the states. Yes, I do live with Ben because I need help everyday bathing, getting dressed, cooking, etc. And I need help getting out and about. I did not have enough money or insurance to hire someone to help out if I lived on my own.
Despite my limitations, Ben still loves me. In fact, I feel more loved and appreciated than I have in years. I am gaining strength each day. I even have walked with crutches in a grocery store (I suffered greatly for a few days after, but this is a huge stepping stone in the right direction). Granted, I still have really bad flare up days of pain and sheer fatigue, feeling as if I have been completely drained.
I am able to be myself without having to change. Ben treats me with love, respect, honor and like a queen. I can honestly say our love for each other has grown stronger with each passing day.
I am truly happier than I have been for a very long time. I have lost “friends” because of my actions of leaving and then living with another man. Ben and I do plan to get married after the divorce is completed. We want to fulfill a promise made to each other years ago.
I honestly never thought anyone could love me. I was told I was not good enough and would not even be good enough for Ben either.
The hardest part of leaving the UK was leaving my boys behind. They love the UK and both are finishing high school this year, one finishing Year 11 and the other sixth form. The oldest will be going to university to study forensic science and the youngest to college to study sports in September. They, understandably, are very upset, angry, hurt, and frustrated. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt them. I love and miss them dearly. I know they are happier there and neither one of them wanted to move back to the states.
I am not perfect. I still love the Lord and want to serve him. I am no longer a minister or a part of The Salvation Army. I do plan to join a local Mennonite church; Ben grew up in the Mennonite faith. They are based on Wesley theology just like TSA.
As I said before, I have lost “friends,” but I have also learned who my true friends are.
Please pray for me as I heal from the wounds caused by words and lack of contact, affection, etc. Pray, I will be able to find work from home. Please pray for daily strength. And, please especially pray for my boys. Thank you ever so much. God bless you all.